Truth #1 (Real Time):
It is Thursday, my scheduled writing day this week. I type that as if it is something I routinely do, but it’s not. Blocking out one writing day each week is a practice I started just last month, and each and every one of them was botched by some version of sickness: one of my daughters home from school, an unexpected trip to the ENT, my own two-week flu. As one after another so-called Writing Days did not pan out in December, I began to wonder if it was a sign. After all, devoting a day to writing feels more like a luxurious desire than something I deserve.
So, when Thursday arrives snag-free, I am not prepared. Where will I go? What will I write? I slide behind the steering wheel and vaguely recall reading something recently about how God gives directions after we are already on our way. Today seems like a good day to test that theory. After a stop at the gas station and a few laps around a Starbucks parking lot, I find myself driving to the nearest library, one I have not visited for many years.
As I walk toward the doors God led me toward today, the words in my head are, “I’m such a nerd.” Loaded up with a stack of books, I awkwardly free a hand to open the door, and think: Only someone like me would end up at a library on a day like this.
Just inside the lobby, I see toddlers gathering for story time. My what-if’s start flowing: What if I run into a mom I know, one who is looking for a respite from the constant tending to an energetic four-year old? What will she think of me, siting in my quiet calm with three hours before I need to be anywhere? What if she gives me one of those “must be nice” looks?
I beeline for the table in the corner under a stretch of windows overlooking a river and tuck myself in. Rain taps at just the right interval to interrupt my not-so-helpful self-talk and gently remind me that this is where I am supposed to be today.
I am struck by this realization: The very thing that makes me call myself names and sends me into what-if spirals is the same thing I fear will make others judge me. Wait. What?
And it’s not.
If I don’t accept myself for who I am, why would anyone else?
Truth #2 (Reality…Over Time):
It’s Thursday, my scheduled writing day. Today I find myself in a new spot, an unassuming old library set by a river. I am amazed by how God takes me new places when I let him have the steering wheel. I find a row of perfectly sized tables beneath a stretch of windows with a view and settle in with assurance that this is exactly where I am supposed to be today.
As I open my laptop, I am filled with curiosity. What words will God give me to write today? What truths will he reveal? I notice a moss-covered, aging tree arched over the river and connect with its thirst. I feel grateful for a source. Thank you, Lord, for this place and time. Thank you for the way you wired me. I am overcome with a feeling of invitation. Love brought me here. Places like this were made for people like me. Here – now – I receive the invitation to love myself.
I hear excited children gathering for story time and remember what a sweet time that was for me and my girls when they were little. What moms – stressed out or wrapped up in the sweetness – might I see today? To whom could I offer encouragement, love, or a listening ear?
I wonder what good things may flow from the me I was designed to be.
Truth #1: Real time isn’t the only kind of time.
Truth #2: God calls me to his reality over time.
In real time, I go in and out of truth. I trust God with the steering wheel and, at the same time, I tune into the (untrue) soundtracks in my head.
Over time, I grow closer to God’s reality.
What about you – what are you learning to love about yourself? What realities are you growing closer to – over time?